Usually we start the day at 6:00 am.  I get Brenden ready for school, and I get ready for my job.  Breakfast usually isn’t much, as I have not had much money to buy groceries. 

The stress usually starts when we get in the car to drive to Brenden’s school.  I am terrified of the police because I can’t afford to license my car, or renew my insurance.  I was pulled over once before and discovered that my license had been revoked without my knowledge for not paying a ticket.  After paying for all of the fees, and doing everything that I needed to do I ran out of money.  I still owe for another ticket issued that day for driving on a suspended license.  I cannot afford to even start taking the steps that I need to take to be able to straighten this out.  This is so frustrating.

I have never had a D.U.I. or anything like that, yet if I got pulled over as things are right now I would go to jail.  I dream about it this often, and I am scared that it will happen when Brenden is with me.

We now try to walk everywhere that we can, but can’t always do this.  I only use the car to get to work and places that I must be to meet my responsibilities.  Sometimes the anxiety of driving to these places makes me a nervous wreck.

I work as the human resource manager for a commercial janitorial company, and do like my job.  The stress is pretty high, but I think that the other problems in my life carry over into my job and make it all so much harder to be at my best.

I don’t get paid very much, and yet make too much to be eligible for any assistance with food, child care, or medical care.  I do get some help from the housing authority with my rent.  Our place is a blessing, but I cannot let Brenden out of my sight because of the neighborhood not being safe.  Sometimes at night I have to call 911 because of strangers trying to open our doors or windows while we sleep.  People even steal the gas out of my car.

I am in debt, and can’t pay all of my bills.  I even still owe Brenden’s day care 1700.00.  I struggled with having to pay 600.00 per month for him to attend daycare so that I could work.  I think that a strong work ethic is so important and valuable.  Even so I have often questioned the sensibility of paying a huge chunk of my monthly income so that I can work—and not be with my child?!  I was one of the only moms that actually had a job, and knowing this made me really proud of myself. 

Brenden just started kindergarten at our parish school, which I love because I can afford 40.00 a month for tuition.  There are new challenges though.  I have to skip taking lunch at my job because I need to be at Brenden’s school to get him every afternoon.  I then have to walk him over to the after school program, and go back to work.  I thank God that he is such a resilient and happy little guy, because my heart breaks when I have to leave him again.  I tell him every day how awesome he is to me.

By the time that I go to get him after work I am exhausted and spent.  I have to cook dinner quickly because both Brenden and I are very hungry.  I cook something or we get fast food if I just too tired to bother. I don’t much like to cook at home because our kitchen is infested with roaches, and they crawl out of everything as I prepare food.  This usually makes me not want to eat anything at all.  I try to distract Brenden from the bugs and hope that will still eat what I have prepared for supper.

 Brenden and I go over his homework together, and after bath and story we go to bed.  I feel like there just isn’t enough time for us to live and enjoy anything.  I savor each moment, but this is bittersweet.  I feel like I am so busy worrying and doing all that must be done that I can’t be there in the way that I think that a parent should be, and I feel helpless.

Other than Brenden and my job I have very little else in my life.  My mom and brother live in town and do help me out a lot.  I have little hope of ever finding a person to love because I believe myself to be too much of a disaster to appeal to any man. 

I hate this because I want a real family for me and Brenden, and I want to have more children very badly.  It just seems like I get older and older and nothing happens.  Sometimes I panic if I think of this too much and I get deeply depressed.  I feel very discouraged and alone a lot of the time.

I am not interested in being a victim.  I want to find a way to stabilize my life for myself and my son.  I am a very resourceful person, but it seems that I just can’t get ahead no matter how much I try.  I feel like I am always drowning and fighting to just survive.  I am not as optimistic and cheerful as I used to be when facing adversity.  I am just worn down from all of the stress. 

I have never felt as scared as I do right now.  I guess that I need help.  I am embarrassed to be writing to you about all of this, but I know that I cannot be afraid to ask for help.

My desire to live a better life, for both me and Brenden, supersedes my feelings of shame.   Right now I am praying for a miracle.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.

Love,

E